Buffalo
party]] The buffalo is a monstrous frightful creature that was almost wiped off the face of the earth by God's Will and the men who followed His Manifest Destiny Unfortunately, misguided environmentalists like park rangers and Ted Turner have foolishly allowed -- and even encouraged -- the creature to once again propagate in the plains, valleys, ranches, and National Parks of our Great Land. One of Satan's minions Factonistas like to say that the buffalo is just a kind of cow. Don't be fooled. Just one look into the evil eyes of these rampaging beasts will convince you that the buffalo is actually another of Satan's minions and a close cousin of the bear. Oh, sure, the evil buffalo has hoofs instead of bear claws."Bear claws" is also the name of the world's most evil breakfast pastry. Scientific studies have shown that anyone who has eaten one of these things is about 54.2% more likely to be mauled by a real bear. It can't rip you apart like a bear can, but these devilish beasts travel in gangs known as herds. Just try calling a hoof "innocent" when thousands of them are pounding you and your family into a gooey pulp on the ground. "But a buffalo can't eat me like a bear can," you say. "It doesn't have the big teeth." Please! Don't be lulled into this dangerous state of complacency. You and your family are in grave danger from these frightful creatures. Bison don't need big teeth. After a godless herd of these monsters has stomped on you, you and your family will become nothing but a condiment on the grasses that the bison will then "innocently" munch. They will eat you, but you won't even be the main course. You and your family will become nothing more than the salad dressing on the beasts' grassland salad. Bison Bison is just another name for a bunch of buffaloes. Any herd of buffaloes can be called bison, but the name is especially appropriate to refer to the more bear-like trained animals, like those raised by Ted Turner. Not yet on Colbert Report Threat Down The evil buffalo has not yet been officially added to Stephen Colbert's Threat Down list. But a memo that was snuck out of Colbert Report headquartersThreat Down "Emerging Threats" memo was pilfered by a devious (as they all are) Daily Show staffer who snuck into the offices during one of the many live broadcasts of the Report confirms that the always-vigilant Dr. Colbert has added the beast to a list of "Emerging threats." Because they attack in so many American suburbs, bears are obviously the clear and present danger, but we can be assured that Stephen Colbert is also ever-vigilant about the lurking danger of bison. Ted Turner's evil plan Ted Turner raises buffaloes in Montana and other states that he owns. They are trained to be Godless killing machines. Turner had planned to let the beasts loose upon God's Country in massive thundering herds if Democrats ever gain control of Congress. He was convinced to abandon the plan after Nancy Pelosi called him on election night. "They're cowed, now, so they don't need to be buffaloed just yet," Pelosi argued. "We gave them a thumping, so we don't need to stampede them at this time." (Pelosi carefully pronounced the "g" on thumping and then let loose with her devilish chuckle.) Even though Real Americans dodged a bullet on election night, The Turner Plan was not abandoned. Americans are advised to watch for the big trucks filled with angry buffalo. Report any sightings to the Department of Homeland Security and then join your neighbors for a prayer circle. See also * Buffalo people * Montana * Who Will Think of The Children? * Buffalo Meatloaf Notes